Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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