be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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