I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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