and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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