So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
