The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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