Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
