____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Randomize
