I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
