My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
