well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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