god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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