wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
