Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
