another moral hangover. fuck.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
