Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
