sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
