grandma shit on top of the toilet
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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