I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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