I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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