walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
