i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
