proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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