thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You're like the curious george of whores
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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