The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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