You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
