im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
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Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
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He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
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I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
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