Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
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It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
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i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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