Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
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I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
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I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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