my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
that is very illegal...i love you.
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