remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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