Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize