I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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