ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
