thus making me awesome and them whores
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
