I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
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Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
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There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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