we have pet lesbian snakes
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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