If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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