i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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