I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize