nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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