clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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