I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
