Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
