I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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