I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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