gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
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We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
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I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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