Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
