Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
