Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
