They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
