new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
