I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
