You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
