oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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