omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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